Universe to Earth: Today Will Suck In Ways You Can't Begin To Imagine (Christmas Comes Early to DKos Lunatics Edition)
We. Give. Up.
So most of you know how yesterday, at about 02:30 PST, we were feeling a little tired and punch drunk. So we tried to keep ourselves amused with a little exercise: write the most insane conspiracy theory possible about the Lebanese license plates that may have been on the cars of the terrorists who attacked the US embassy. Quick review:
[T]hese were Black Ops agents dropped into Lebanon by the CIA during the war with Lebanon who are now trying to fake an attack on the US embassy because Rove found out about bad polling numbers this morning. And we'd say that this has to be true because "no self-respecting terrorist would launch an attack in Syria - it just doesn't make sense"... October surprise. Obviously. Will these Orwellian fascists stop at nothing (about this time, you're wondering why you bothered clicking through on the other thread. Honestly, we have no answers for you).
The universe then punished us for amusing ourselves by producing total batshit lunatics who crawled around Daily Kos actually saying...:
And so it begins. Could this be the start of an "October Surprise"? by smirkslapper on Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 12:51:38 AM PDT
... and...
What is truly astounding is that after being fed such a steady diet of lies and half-truths by this government and its lap dog media that any of us believe anything at all that is reported... [blah blah blah]
So far so good. Everyone presumably read those posts, everyone's on the same page.
Now we want you to pay very close attention for about the next minute. What you are about to feel is the sensation of warmth and hope leaving your body as you slowly realize that nothing will ever be right with the world ever again: (just copying and pasting this makes us nauseous)
Senior Syrian government official have accused the US of being behind Tuesday's assault on its own embassy in downtown Damascus. A Baath party official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told WorldNetDaily, "We in the government are 100 percent sure America was behind this attack, which is not the same as other attacks by Islamic groups." He explained, "Only the Americans can succeed in carrying out an attack just 200 meters from President [Bashar] Assad's residence in the most heavily guarded section of Syria."
Sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but we are totally fucked. 'Been fun.
UPDATE 01 (07:13 PST): This was from yesterday:
As of right now, the children are all still asleep and their presents lie under the tree, unopened (read: none of these asylum escapees - and we suspect that description to be literally true in more than one case - have checked Google News this morning for updates on the embassy attack... so hard to focus on "terrorism" when there are more important things to discuss... like Disney. Or Disney. Or how great activism is. Or Disney). Anyway, no way they don't find this story. Not on a day like today.
UPDATE 02 (07:25 PST): We have been cleared by MR lawyers to announce the following: we will kill thefirst second person who emails us to point out that the Syrian official accusing the US of attacking the US embassy (i.e. accusing the US of attacking the US) might be making that up. There has to be a limit to what the universe can inflict before eight in the morning, and that limit comes well before having readers comfort us because they're afraid we've concluded that the conspiracy theorists are right. This isn't 'Nam. There are rules.
Yes, we know the Syrian official is lying. Obviously, the guy who works for the authoritarian dictator is lying when he suggests that officials in the Executive branch would order an attack on a US embassy when they know in advance that they can't keep wiretapping under wraps. Obviously, yes, the man is a bit of a fibber. The point isn't that the DKos loonies will actually be proven right, it's that in their sunshine and unicorn filled minds they'll gleefully conclude that they've been proven right, at which point we're off to the races... the rest of their day will be spent in comment after triumphant comment about how "they were right" to suspect a dark Rovian plot. And we, either because we genuinely enjoy being angry or because we have poor pattern recognition, will read those comments. And get aneurisms. Aneurisms that hurt. Not painless aneurisms.
So most of you know how yesterday, at about 02:30 PST, we were feeling a little tired and punch drunk. So we tried to keep ourselves amused with a little exercise: write the most insane conspiracy theory possible about the Lebanese license plates that may have been on the cars of the terrorists who attacked the US embassy. Quick review:
[T]hese were Black Ops agents dropped into Lebanon by the CIA during the war with Lebanon who are now trying to fake an attack on the US embassy because Rove found out about bad polling numbers this morning. And we'd say that this has to be true because "no self-respecting terrorist would launch an attack in Syria - it just doesn't make sense"... October surprise. Obviously. Will these Orwellian fascists stop at nothing (about this time, you're wondering why you bothered clicking through on the other thread. Honestly, we have no answers for you).
The universe then punished us for amusing ourselves by producing total batshit lunatics who crawled around Daily Kos actually saying...:
And so it begins. Could this be the start of an "October Surprise"? by smirkslapper on Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 12:51:38 AM PDT
... and...
What is truly astounding is that after being fed such a steady diet of lies and half-truths by this government and its lap dog media that any of us believe anything at all that is reported... [blah blah blah]
So far so good. Everyone presumably read those posts, everyone's on the same page.
Now we want you to pay very close attention for about the next minute. What you are about to feel is the sensation of warmth and hope leaving your body as you slowly realize that nothing will ever be right with the world ever again: (just copying and pasting this makes us nauseous)
Senior Syrian government official have accused the US of being behind Tuesday's assault on its own embassy in downtown Damascus. A Baath party official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told WorldNetDaily, "We in the government are 100 percent sure America was behind this attack, which is not the same as other attacks by Islamic groups." He explained, "Only the Americans can succeed in carrying out an attack just 200 meters from President [Bashar] Assad's residence in the most heavily guarded section of Syria."
Sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but we are totally fucked. 'Been fun.
UPDATE 01 (07:13 PST): This was from yesterday:
As of right now, the children are all still asleep and their presents lie under the tree, unopened (read: none of these asylum escapees - and we suspect that description to be literally true in more than one case - have checked Google News this morning for updates on the embassy attack... so hard to focus on "terrorism" when there are more important things to discuss... like Disney. Or Disney. Or how great activism is. Or Disney). Anyway, no way they don't find this story. Not on a day like today.
UPDATE 02 (07:25 PST): We have been cleared by MR lawyers to announce the following: we will kill the
Yes, we know the Syrian official is lying. Obviously, the guy who works for the authoritarian dictator is lying when he suggests that officials in the Executive branch would order an attack on a US embassy when they know in advance that they can't keep wiretapping under wraps. Obviously, yes, the man is a bit of a fibber. The point isn't that the DKos loonies will actually be proven right, it's that in their sunshine and unicorn filled minds they'll gleefully conclude that they've been proven right, at which point we're off to the races... the rest of their day will be spent in comment after triumphant comment about how "they were right" to suspect a dark Rovian plot. And we, either because we genuinely enjoy being angry or because we have poor pattern recognition, will read those comments. And get aneurisms. Aneurisms that hurt. Not painless aneurisms.
