Are These Union Jobs?
Because I travel with the USC debate team, I find myself in LAX quite a bit. Today I'm here flying to Chicago for the annual National Communication Association conference. Every time I come here, I get a little more frustrated about the abysmal state of our airline security. If I was being generous, I would describe the security set-up here as indulgently lax. If I was being honest, I'd call it criminally inept. Security here basically consists of screening your check-in luggage and then making sure that there's no metal in your shoes. So if you're a hijacker wearing flip-flops, you're golden.
But it's not really the eggregious lack of security that bothers me. I've come to accept that the people in charge of keeping us safe are basically incompetent. It's the aggressive stupidity of the entire set-up here. The following is a detailed, complete description of the charade LAX has the nerve to call a "passanger screening process":
(1) Check in through e-ticket terminal. Get tag for checked-in luggage. Smirk when counter representative fails even to go through the process of confirming that it's actually your luggage or that you're actually who you claim you are.
(2) Drop off said checked-in luggage at the baggage x-ray machines. Confirm with TSA official that you can walk away so that they have no idea which bag goes to which person. Walk away.
(3) [These next couple are my favorite parts. My debaters know they're my favorite because every time we come to LAX, I won't stop mocking them] Get to the bottom of escalator that leads to x-ray machines. Show your ID and your boarding pass to confirm that yes, indeed, you have purchased a ticket allowing you to board an airplane. This step is meant to stop any hijackers who intend to board a plane without tickets. Get on bottom of escalator.
(4) Get to top of escalator. Here, you are greeted by another TSA official. This official (wait for it) demands to see your ID and your boarding pass to confirm that yes, indeed, you have purchased a ticket allowing you to board an airplane. Presumably, this step is meant to stop any hijackers who lost their boarding passes during the 10 second escalator trip. [I'm not making this up - we pay someone at the BOTTOM and the TOP of the escalator to confirm that people have their boarding passes on both sides! Someone in charge of LAX security actually sat in a room and said "we'll have people check for boarding passes at BOTH ends of the escalator - we'll be doubly safe!]
(5) Get in line for x-ray machines. Take off hoodie (because the lint will block the x-ray machines from detecting weapons?) and shoes (only if they're metalic - so any hijackers in worker's boots will get nailed immediately. Unless they take off their shoes). Walk through x-ray machine. At this point the TSA official who checks to see if the metal detector goes off demands to see your boarding pass and ID. This dynamic, I believe, speaks for itself. I assure you, hoewver, that I am in no way exagerating.
(6)Watch white, 19 year old female debater randomly selected for patdown. Chuckle about how you and two other Middle Eastern debaters in your party just carried enough electronic equipment into the terminal to take control of a Predator drone flying over Afghanistan. [At this point, I usually launch into my racial profiling good rant].
(7)Advance to terminal. Hope for the best. Get vodka.
Incidentally, LAX commissioned an extensive, 47-page Rand study to identify their most significant security gaps. Rand’s conclusion: passangers have to wait too long in line. They're calling my flight.
UPDATE: I forgot to mention that LAX now has free wireless. Good job guys - only a year behind Pittsburgh!
But it's not really the eggregious lack of security that bothers me. I've come to accept that the people in charge of keeping us safe are basically incompetent. It's the aggressive stupidity of the entire set-up here. The following is a detailed, complete description of the charade LAX has the nerve to call a "passanger screening process":
(1) Check in through e-ticket terminal. Get tag for checked-in luggage. Smirk when counter representative fails even to go through the process of confirming that it's actually your luggage or that you're actually who you claim you are.
(2) Drop off said checked-in luggage at the baggage x-ray machines. Confirm with TSA official that you can walk away so that they have no idea which bag goes to which person. Walk away.
(3) [These next couple are my favorite parts. My debaters know they're my favorite because every time we come to LAX, I won't stop mocking them] Get to the bottom of escalator that leads to x-ray machines. Show your ID and your boarding pass to confirm that yes, indeed, you have purchased a ticket allowing you to board an airplane. This step is meant to stop any hijackers who intend to board a plane without tickets. Get on bottom of escalator.
(4) Get to top of escalator. Here, you are greeted by another TSA official. This official (wait for it) demands to see your ID and your boarding pass to confirm that yes, indeed, you have purchased a ticket allowing you to board an airplane. Presumably, this step is meant to stop any hijackers who lost their boarding passes during the 10 second escalator trip. [I'm not making this up - we pay someone at the BOTTOM and the TOP of the escalator to confirm that people have their boarding passes on both sides! Someone in charge of LAX security actually sat in a room and said "we'll have people check for boarding passes at BOTH ends of the escalator - we'll be doubly safe!]
(5) Get in line for x-ray machines. Take off hoodie (because the lint will block the x-ray machines from detecting weapons?) and shoes (only if they're metalic - so any hijackers in worker's boots will get nailed immediately. Unless they take off their shoes). Walk through x-ray machine. At this point the TSA official who checks to see if the metal detector goes off demands to see your boarding pass and ID. This dynamic, I believe, speaks for itself. I assure you, hoewver, that I am in no way exagerating.
(6)Watch white, 19 year old female debater randomly selected for patdown. Chuckle about how you and two other Middle Eastern debaters in your party just carried enough electronic equipment into the terminal to take control of a Predator drone flying over Afghanistan. [At this point, I usually launch into my racial profiling good rant].
(7)Advance to terminal. Hope for the best. Get vodka.
Incidentally, LAX commissioned an extensive, 47-page Rand study to identify their most significant security gaps. Rand’s conclusion: passangers have to wait too long in line. They're calling my flight.
UPDATE: I forgot to mention that LAX now has free wireless. Good job guys - only a year behind Pittsburgh!
