Meryl, Cats, Division of Labor
Meryl Yourish has been extremely generous to us recently. Her compliments have been enthusiastic and quite unexpected, and she is now proposing a division of labor between Dejafoo and Yourish. One of her stipulations is that she gets to keep all cat topics for herself. Meryl, you see, loves cats. Really, really loves cats. This is worrisome to us, because Meryl is so nice and cats are so evil. Some people say cats are not evil. Those people are wrong.
Any discussion of cats, if it is to be productive, must begin with a single, overwhelmingly true assumption: if your cat were just a little bit bigger, it would kill you and eat you. This is because, again, cats are evil.
I don't think anyone reasonable disputes that cats are evil. I have two pieces of evidence for this:
(1) "Cats + evil" gets 640,000 hits on Google. "Humans + evil" gets 655,000 hits on Google. That means that 6,000 years of Holocausts, pogroms, and massacres - not to mention the creation and use of weapons that could wipe out every living organism on this planet - only makes us 15,000 webpages more evil than cats. And when you figure that a good eight or nine thousand of those pages are goth chicks writing poetry about how much they hate their parents, that's not really all that much.
(2) "Cats + pure evil" gets 3,300 hits on Google. Alternatively, "cats + somewhat evil" gets a measly 122 hits. I think that this should be sufficient to establish the correct level of cats' evil.
Cats kill things. Stalin killed things too, and everyone admits that Stalin was pretty evil. Here's what Stalin didn't do - Stalin didn't used to bring injured but still living birds into my sister's room at 6am, and then release them so that she "could catch them herself." You know what else Stalin didn't do? Stalin didn't walk up to my family on the porch one afternoon to get our attention, and then turn around, climb up a tree, and start trying to throw baby birds out of a nest. Those things were beyond the pale for even Stalin - not for our cats though.
As with most evil things, you can't trust cats. In your cat's world, you are "the ape who brings food." However, we know that cats are confident that they can always hunt down their food. This creates a quandary - why would cats, who are confident that they can always hunt down their food, care that you bring them food? Answer: they don't. They are just humoring you because they know that they are not yet big enough to kill you and eat you.
Since they can't kill you outright, cats plot. That's what evil things do - they plot. Cats are no different. Have you ever seen a cat's eyes peeking out at you from next to the staircase in the dark? The cat is thinking "if I hit that ape 'just right,' I should be able to knock it down the steps and break its neck. Then I will be able to eat it. This is important because my size is otherwise insufficient for me to kill it outright." Yes, cats actually think like that.
Sometimes, you hear people baby talk to their cats about how evil but cute they are - something like "aww... look how cute you are. Yes, you're so evil and so cute and you use your cuteness for evil so I'll keep you and feed you." Those people are idiots. First, as I've established above, cats don't need humans to feed them. Ergo, when your cat eats the dry, bloodless cat food that you buy it, it is just biding its time until it can kill you and eat you. Second, cats are not cute. Nothing evil can be cute. The Greeks taught us that. Ergo, since cats are evil, anyone who says they're cute is obviously either lying or a pawn in their sick game. You should obviously distrust such people.
There is an school of thought that holds that resisting cats is futile, because they are far more evil and subtle than we are and will eventually launch an inter-species war in which they will either enslave or exterminate us. I am skeptical of this claim. There are many advantages that we have over cats, should an inter-species conflict actually erupt. Opposable thumbs, language, and nuclear weapons for instance. Nonetheless, I urge those of you looking to hedge your bets to contribute generously to the San Diego Zoological Society. Should cats ever become our masters, they will look kindly upon this act and perhaps keep you around to work the mines.
Update from Stan: For those animal lovers that might have been offended by Omri's rantings, I suggest that you take Omri to the next movie that has talking animals in it. Omri has a strange relationship to movies with talking animals (strange to normal adults anyway) - he thinks they're funny. Can't get enough of them. Note: Omri is in LA so if you're an attractive, well respected, blonde female blogger who drives a classic Porsche, you can witness this first hand. *cough*
Update from Omri: For the record (and to avoid any pending legal proceedings), it is my humble blogging partner and not myself who is obsessed with a certain blonde LA blogger who may or may not be on our blogroll. The thing about talking animals is true though - there's no movie in the Western canon that cannot be made better with a talking animal. Seriously.
Update from Stan: First, you're false - Highlander 2 can't be helped by a talking animal - God Himself could not help that movie. Second, I think "obsession" is a little too strong. "Hobby"?
Any discussion of cats, if it is to be productive, must begin with a single, overwhelmingly true assumption: if your cat were just a little bit bigger, it would kill you and eat you. This is because, again, cats are evil.
I don't think anyone reasonable disputes that cats are evil. I have two pieces of evidence for this:
(1) "Cats + evil" gets 640,000 hits on Google. "Humans + evil" gets 655,000 hits on Google. That means that 6,000 years of Holocausts, pogroms, and massacres - not to mention the creation and use of weapons that could wipe out every living organism on this planet - only makes us 15,000 webpages more evil than cats. And when you figure that a good eight or nine thousand of those pages are goth chicks writing poetry about how much they hate their parents, that's not really all that much.
(2) "Cats + pure evil" gets 3,300 hits on Google. Alternatively, "cats + somewhat evil" gets a measly 122 hits. I think that this should be sufficient to establish the correct level of cats' evil.
Cats kill things. Stalin killed things too, and everyone admits that Stalin was pretty evil. Here's what Stalin didn't do - Stalin didn't used to bring injured but still living birds into my sister's room at 6am, and then release them so that she "could catch them herself." You know what else Stalin didn't do? Stalin didn't walk up to my family on the porch one afternoon to get our attention, and then turn around, climb up a tree, and start trying to throw baby birds out of a nest. Those things were beyond the pale for even Stalin - not for our cats though.
As with most evil things, you can't trust cats. In your cat's world, you are "the ape who brings food." However, we know that cats are confident that they can always hunt down their food. This creates a quandary - why would cats, who are confident that they can always hunt down their food, care that you bring them food? Answer: they don't. They are just humoring you because they know that they are not yet big enough to kill you and eat you.
Since they can't kill you outright, cats plot. That's what evil things do - they plot. Cats are no different. Have you ever seen a cat's eyes peeking out at you from next to the staircase in the dark? The cat is thinking "if I hit that ape 'just right,' I should be able to knock it down the steps and break its neck. Then I will be able to eat it. This is important because my size is otherwise insufficient for me to kill it outright." Yes, cats actually think like that.
Sometimes, you hear people baby talk to their cats about how evil but cute they are - something like "aww... look how cute you are. Yes, you're so evil and so cute and you use your cuteness for evil so I'll keep you and feed you." Those people are idiots. First, as I've established above, cats don't need humans to feed them. Ergo, when your cat eats the dry, bloodless cat food that you buy it, it is just biding its time until it can kill you and eat you. Second, cats are not cute. Nothing evil can be cute. The Greeks taught us that. Ergo, since cats are evil, anyone who says they're cute is obviously either lying or a pawn in their sick game. You should obviously distrust such people.
There is an school of thought that holds that resisting cats is futile, because they are far more evil and subtle than we are and will eventually launch an inter-species war in which they will either enslave or exterminate us. I am skeptical of this claim. There are many advantages that we have over cats, should an inter-species conflict actually erupt. Opposable thumbs, language, and nuclear weapons for instance. Nonetheless, I urge those of you looking to hedge your bets to contribute generously to the San Diego Zoological Society. Should cats ever become our masters, they will look kindly upon this act and perhaps keep you around to work the mines.
Update from Stan: For those animal lovers that might have been offended by Omri's rantings, I suggest that you take Omri to the next movie that has talking animals in it. Omri has a strange relationship to movies with talking animals (strange to normal adults anyway) - he thinks they're funny. Can't get enough of them. Note: Omri is in LA so if you're an attractive, well respected, blonde female blogger who drives a classic Porsche, you can witness this first hand. *cough*
Update from Omri: For the record (and to avoid any pending legal proceedings), it is my humble blogging partner and not myself who is obsessed with a certain blonde LA blogger who may or may not be on our blogroll. The thing about talking animals is true though - there's no movie in the Western canon that cannot be made better with a talking animal. Seriously.
Update from Stan: First, you're false - Highlander 2 can't be helped by a talking animal - God Himself could not help that movie. Second, I think "obsession" is a little too strong. "Hobby"?
